We tend to be quite cyclical as beings, us humans. Whether looking at your own life or human history as a whole, patterns emerge, cycle, and recycle sometimes seemingly without end. The cyclical nature of existence on this planet fosters familiarity with our own repetitions; everything around us follows this general pattern of fertilization, gestation, birth, life, death, decay, and rebirth.
One day, a friend of mine, Mela Shea who is a very tuned in psychic, reached out with an urgent download about the narcissism cycle and asked if I would paint it for her. As this topic hits home for me, I was absolutely thrilled to work on it.
I chose to work with a piece of raw canvas, as this particular cycle is incredibly raw. In the center, I used gesso to create a thick circular pattern, spiraling gobs of gesso out from the center. Narcissism feels like this to me. You’re in this raw space, and then this seemingly solid being enters your life and showers you in what feels like solid ground, this incredible love you never dreamed of, never thought even possible.
From this solid foundation blossoms something visibly beautiful, this green and blue, this oceanic yet grounded field all around you. Two vaguely figural beings emerge, and exist, in this beautiful dream. As time moves forward, one figure becomes more visible, more grounded in reality, while the other is still lost in this indistinct landscape. As the narcissist emboldens, the second figure begins taking shape within the mind of the first, a blank stare, fingers draped over the face, holding it in place. Bars form over the second figure, now held prisoner in a space that continues to lose light.
Atop the bars, a pattern emerges in straight gilded lines. Now a spiraling square, what was once solid ground, freely spiraling into the world, has become ordered and strict, confined to a singular angled shape.
And yet there exists a remnant of the free form, a path leading back into the beauty that exists, and has always existed, through all space and time. And at the mouth of this spiral, within open nature, there is still this vague figural form, and as you follow this path and find this memory of yourself, the figure manifests more clearly. She is not fully formed, she is flowing with the beauty around her. And she is found.
The narcissism cycle is sticky. It is insidious. It is very difficult to escape. For myself, it took a series of what can only be described as miracles. And it has taken me years to reconnect with the vague and distant memory of myself that existed before I entered that cycle.
On an individual level, being involved in a narcissism cycle can be devastating. On a group level, this cycle can alter the course of human history. A nation following orders of a tyrant, devouring the lives of others. It is far past due that we cease our adoration of narcissists, and we take back our sacred morality on a global scale. And I hope every day that we do.
Today I will light a candle for those impacted by narcissism on an individual and group scale, and then I will work on my sunflower painting in thought of those in Ukraine.
May you recognize your own autonomy, and be surrounded by beauty. Thank you for reading this, and lighting a candle of your own. If you would like to see the process of this painting, you’ll find it on my YouTube channel, link below.
https://youtu.be/JbQkDwSKqmw